10:59pm- 37 GroupMe Notifications
1:46am- Tagged in a meme on Facebook
7:43am- 8 New Emails
4 new text messages
1 missed call
*and a BILLION notifications from news outlets about this new man who lives in the White House who wants to f*** this country up!
All before I even get a chance to get out of my bed and start my day.
I am then forced to spend twenty or so minutes replying to texts, reading emails, checking social media and other things that usually cause me to delay my morning routine. By doing all of those things, I was allowing the energy of others to influence my day. Without even realizing it, I was giving others the power to determine how good or bad of a day I was going to have by indulging myself into the social world first.
It didn’t hit me until I was on the train about noon one day and a man looked at me and said, “I can look into your eyes and see that you’ve had a long day.” Here it was not even half of my work day and I already looked stressed out. I took offense to his comment, but after much thought I knew that he was absolutely right. I’m sure I looked like the weight of my world was on my shoulders because in reality, I felt that it was. Had he not been watching the news? Was he not aware of what was going on in “our” country?
As a Political Scientist, I can’t help but to closely follow every single story…right and left wing, conservative and liberal, black and white, orange, yellow and green and everything else in between. Usually, I have no problem keeping up with this routine, but recently it has caused me to suffer from anxiety attacks. As a result, I’ve been having really bad headaches, restless nights, poor concentration, racing thoughts, increased irritability and anger towards people and a host of other symptoms. If you’ve never had one, they are NO JOKE! It got so bad that I would usually just to bed and try to escape it. This wasn’t a viable option and wasn’t really helping me cope with the worry and fear so I began brainstorming other thing…
Do I completely delete my social presence, turn off my news apps, turn the TV off and remain completely clueless to the disaster that is happening right before our eyes? Do I just forget about my work and school responsibilities and stay locked up in my room all day? Do I call my close friends with tears in my eyes and fear in my heart to vent? Do I channel that anxiety into activism to only have my efforts ignored and silenced that makes the anxiety worse? Do I get on my knees and pray for myself, others and this country and just leave it at that? Do I meditate and read the Bible and just have faith that things will get better?
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I have tried all of those things and yet, here I am. New day, same symptoms. In fact, I’d argue that as the days go on, the symptoms get worse.
I am tired of pretending that everything is okay and I must say that I am jealous of those privileged to not be affected by it. But how do I as a millennial, women of color (because for God’s sake don’t let me have to decide if I am black or a woman first), working class, graduate student and political activist stay sane enough to help the cause? How do I stay emotionally competent to encourage others to get involved? And how do I live my life each day without worrying about what’s to come next?
I’m still searching for answers, but here’s what has been getting me through these days:
Turning off my phone, even if it is only for thirty minutes. It becomes a point, where too much of something is never a good thing, social media included. And yes, the notifications are still waiting on me when I get back, but it’s good to escape it even for a little while.
Taking a mental health day. I had to take off from work and skipped class. Yes, I left a ton of work, but if I die tomorrow, that company will still run normally WITHOUT me. Yes, I missed classes, but that’s what classmates who can give you notes are for.
Indulging myself in my own guilty pleasures. I went to get a pedicure, watched an hour of Netflix and drunk a glass of Andre’ unapologetically. For the first time in a long time, I spent time doing what I WANTED to do and it temporarily made me forget that the world was in flames.
Spending time with people who love me. Note I didn’t say people that I loved (although I do), but those that genuinely love me back. It’s just something about being around my line sister and other new friends who I feel enjoy my presence that makes me warm inside and remember that not all people are hateful and conniving.
So to those “Americans” who are poor, women, people of color, immigrants, Muslims, and every other minority group that this administration has tried to literally destroy, I LOVE YOU! I know that you are hurting because I am. I know that it is hard to even carry out the tasks of your day because you are so frightened and afraid about what might actually come next, but we have to take care of ourselves. We cannot drive ourselves insane. We cannot get weary in well-doing. We have to keep fighting the fight.
As Kendrick Lamar promised, “WE GON BE ALRIGHT.” TREAT YO SELF!
Peace. Love. Hennessy.