So long are the days of high school and college where we saw our friends every single day and could easily pull up on them to dump our life’s woes or celebrate our latest win. Now, as adults (I guess we’re adults now?) we’re all busy, in different cities, living out our goals and finding our way through life. Our lives have become so consumed with juggling adulthood, trying to take care of ourselves, striving to excel at work, breaking generational curses, balancing relationships, finding time to rest, and trying our best to save the world that sometimes we neglect our friendships. At this age, they seem harder to manage and not as natural to maintain, and it’s okay. As our lives change, so will we and so will our friendships. We just must adapt and adjust.
This current stage of life and the rollercoaster I’ve been on with my friends are teaching me the following things:
1. We’re all busy.
In a perfect world, I would be there for every single life event that each of my friends had…every wedding, every birth, every graduation, every bad day, and every promotion. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world. We’re all juggling the demands of life and just as my friend(s) have stuff going on, so do I. While I will always make it a priority to show up for people when I can, I had to accept that it was physically impossible for me to be there for every moment. I do not always have the time, capacity, or money and I can not make myself feel guilty for not being able to show up. If I’m able though, I will certainly try to send a card or gift. Sometimes, I can only send a text or facetime them, but I was sure to at least acknowledge the moment. Yet, I had to humble myself and not be mad or take it personally when someone cannot show up for me. I must think about all the times I’ve needed grace and others to be understanding. I have to consider that they could be going through something that prevented them from showing up, that had absolutely nothing to do with me.
2. You must be a good friend to have a good friend.
It is so easy to point fingers and blamed others when we feel we’ve been wronged, but before I start calling people “bad friends” and getting mad about the things that they did not do, I have to take some time to do some introspection. Have I been a good friend? Have I done all I could to support this person in this new space? Have I reached out and checked on them? Have I been pouring into them as much as they have me? I have to be honest with myself and sometimes the answer is no. In these moments, I reach out, apologize, and try to be better because when I feel like no one is checking on me, I cannot help but think that maybe they are just matching my energy. However, when I realize I am being a good friend and overextending myself, doing all the check-ins, and reaching out, I have to realize that I deserve more than one-sided relationships, so I have to assess the situation and move accordingly. Just like with life, you only get out of friendships what you put in.
3. Be open with what you need in your friendships.
Every single day, I am growing and evolving, and as I change, my needs change. My therapist encourages me to think about what friendships look like for me at this point in my life and now I can communicate that I need vulnerability, ease & transparency. I appreciate friendships where we both are honest and open about life mishaps every time we talk, sharing & being our authentic selves. I enjoy being able to pick up the phone and picking up where we left off without having to question anything, just good vibes and genuine energy with no extra pressure. However, I cannot hold my friends to this standard if I have not communicated with them what this version of myself needs. I am not the same today as I was even a year ago so even the things that worked for me then, may no longer work for me now. For that reason, I’m sure to periodically ask my friends, what do you need from me as a friend at this stage of life and I follow up with action. If they don’t tell me what they need, then they cannot be mad at me for not doing anything. And if I cannot meet all their requests, I am sure to tell them up front that I do not have the capacity because I know that my true friends will understand.
4. History is not enough.
I know that I’m not the only one guilty of holding on to old versions of relationships and what they used to be. (Again, therapy is helping me to work through this.) I hang on to people because I grew up with them and shared so many memories and secrets with them. But if the friendship no longer serves me, hanging on and dragging them along after the expiration date is only hurting me. It takes more than history to maintain a healthy and sustainable friendship. It takes love, it takes effort, and it takes commitment. And though it’s not easy, it’s also not impossible. However, if you decide that the friendship is no longer serving you and it's best for you to just move on (with no love lost of course) instead of working it out, that is okay too, the decision is yours to make. Just know, there is no right answer. Follow your heart and do what feels right.
5. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
It takes 30 seconds to send a text and a few minutes to make a call. When I’m thinking about someone, but don’t have the time or capacity to talk long, I send an “I miss you! I love you!” text and keep it moving. Though, such a simple message, lets my people know that I’m thinking of them, and I know it makes my heart smile when I get those random messages in return. On the flip side, I am learning that when I feel like I’ve been done wronged or something feels off, or even if I feel like the love is not reciprocated, I reach out and talk to them. I express how I’m feeling and sometimes I find out that they had stuff going on that they were caught up with that they didn’t even realize things were off. Other times, it was a miscommunication or misunderstanding that a simple conversation solved. However, each time, I felt heard, and they altered their behavior. Similarly, I’ve been sure to do the same when I’m the one who has caused the hurt. I don’t feel that my concerns were received with concern or care after expressing my feelings, I then decide whether I feel like it’s a friendship worth keeping. Sometimes they have been, others they have not.
In all, just as life and adulthood are hard, so are friendships. We’re all trying to figure things out, give yourself some grace but also give your friends some grace. We’re all fighting our own battles and dealing with our own shit.
Cheers to good friends! May we know them and may we be them.!
Karra
P.S.- Shoutout to my friendddsssss! God has blessed me with the most beautiful, loving, supportive, and giving people on Earth. They love me through all my mess and I know that I’m a better person because they love me!
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